That was a dream. A long dream that lasted years. Six to be precise. It started with a lie & ended with one. For the whole of time I was mesmerized into it, submerged into believing everything I was told, everything I was made to feel. Indeed, I felt like everything was so true. For it was not. Truth doesn’t die in hours, days or months. Truth prevails.

I tell people that I’m a good observer. All the time I observed & tried to figure out what was wrong with it. I tried repairing stuffs quietly in the years. I don’t usually broadcast that I am repairing something but it hurts my soul hard when I’m told I did nothing. Yeah baby! I DID NOTHING!

What intrigues me is that it ended around the same time that it started. Yup! I believe in time, numbers & patterns that govern things around us. I don’t believe a lot in coincidences. Things happen as they’re set to happen. Karma is true! But even Karma is following it’s own pre-destined flow.

love-smile

I used to hide things in petty boxes to be discovered later & bring priceless smiles. Yet in that quest I lost my very own smile. I sobbed, cried, I called for the end of times. I looked down memories & could only find lies.

Energy flowed through every single vein of mine. With so much energy I could either explode or implode. I chose an implosion to experiment on myself how emotional energy could further fuel my will of doing things.

karma-effect

What followed was an intellectual orgasm. You know when you look at things & you feel like it’s not difficult to understand it. Once you get a grasp of those things you can further break them into simpler things. There’s a lot of beauty in that. Maybe it’s an art too. The art of breaking the complex into simplicity. Life itself is a complex organism. Breaking it into simple structures gives so much pleasure. I still observe, I observe a lot. I look at people & life. I look at the speed things move. The animate & unanimate.

My inability to understand or admit things at some point in life caused me the greatest pain. When you realise everything is happening because you imagined it, life becomes all of a sudden a fucking video game. You become a strategist laying your own gameplay along the way (^^,) … I rise & fall with my emotions. To have emotions is human after all. Just observe when your moon is strong & when it is weak.

I now smile at the cost of great pains. Still I do not fake the smile. I smile with sincerity or don’t smile at all. I don’t smile to hide some lie. The little I smile I do because that’s what I afford.


Note: These are random musings emanating from deep within my heart. I find peace in writing the complex emotions every now & then, though I can’t translate all my emotions in words.

Image source http://corporateskirts.wordpress.com/2013/03/20/karma-prayers-and-others http://xchristina27x.deviantart.com/art/love-smile-182881508