Random musings, cost of smile
That was a dream. A long dream that lasted years. Six to be precise. It started with a lie & ended with one. For the whole of time I was mesmerized into it, submerged into believing everything I was told, everything I was made to feel. Indeed, I felt like everything was so true. For it was not. Truth doesn't die in hours, days or months. Truth prevails.
I tell people that I'm a good observer. All the time I observed & tried to figure out what was wrong with it. I tried repairing stuffs quietly in the years. I don't usually broadcast that I am repairing something but it hurts my soul hard when I'm told I did nothing. Yeah baby! I DID NOTHING!
What intrigues me is that it ended around the same time that it started. Yup! I believe in time, numbers & patterns that govern things around us. I don't believe a lot in coincidences. Things happen as they're set to happen. Karma is true! But even Karma is following it's own pre-destined flow.
I used to hide things in petty boxes to be discovered later & bring priceless smiles. Yet in that quest I lost my very own smile. I sobbed, cried, I called for the end of times. I looked down memories & could only find lies.
Energy flowed through every single vein of mine. With so much energy I could either explode or implode. I chose an implosion to experiment on myself how emotional energy could further fuel my will of doing things.
What followed was an intellectual orgasm. You know when you look at things & you feel like it's not difficult to understand it. Once you get a grasp of those things you can further break them into simpler things. There's a lot of beauty in that. Maybe it's an art too. The art of breaking the complex into simplicity. Life itself is a complex organism. Breaking it into simple structures gives so much pleasure. I still observe, I observe a lot. I look at people & life. I look at the speed things move. The animate & unanimate.
My inability to understand or admit things at some point in life caused me the greatest pain. When you realise everything is happening because you imagined it, life becomes all of a sudden a fucking video game. You become a strategist laying your own gameplay along the way (^^,) ... I rise & fall with my emotions. To have emotions is human after all. Just observe when your moon is strong & when it is weak.
I now smile at the cost of great pains. Still I do not fake the smile. I smile with sincerity or don't smile at all. I don't smile to hide some lie. The little I smile I do because that's what I afford.
Note: These are random musings emanating from deep within my heart. I find peace in writing the complex emotions every now & then, though I can't translate all my emotions in words.